by Brandon Beck

As I sit typing this reflection, the material remnants of Christmas Day and The 12 Days of Christmas are scattered about. Burnt Advent candles, an unfinished 12 Days of Christmas puzzle, a Nativity scene, empty candy dishes, cardboard boxes galore.

I’ve just finished constructing the new playset in the backyard (with a lot of help from friends and family).

And as much joy as I receive from watching the kids play with the Nativity set and light and blow out the Advent candles, climb in and out of the cardboard boxes, work on the puzzle in fits and starts, jump and scream and slide and swing on the playset, I find myself struggling to stay in the moment.

My tendency toward anxiety creeps in. Will they start fighting? Will the three neurotypicals bully the two with autism? Will the one girl get left out? Will the new puppy get trampled? Will the new puppy’s puppiness scare one of the little ones? Who will have the next toddler or autistic meltdown?

Will I be able to keep regulated so that I can help them regulate when they need it?

According to The Gospel of Thomas, Logion 2, Yeshua says, “If you are searching, you must not stop until you find. When you find, however, you will become troubled. Your confusion will give way to wonder. In wonder you will reign over all things. Your sovereignty will be your rest.” (Trans. Lynn Bauman, PhD)

I take a deep breath and say this Logion to myself. I remember that this is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Every moment with these kids is, if I stay in the moment.

I can let go of all my anxieties and stay in the moment by seeking Jesus in them. I cannot stop until I find Jesus in the little children. Even when I become troubled, I begin again and again because I know Jesus is there even in the trouble. This is where I co-regulate with them. “I love you,” I say. “You are doing great,” I say. “I wonder what… I wonder how… I wonder if…,” I say. And in wonder, I have a new mastery over my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I step into a freedom to play with the kids rather than worry about them, and that play is so restful!

Amen.